Stuck

Thoughts on not being where you want to be

Decisions we take today shape our future. The routes I chose to follow over a decade ago are firmly determining how I live today. Even though I try to steer and parry I’m far from free to follow my heart and deepest dreams. People tend to say you have to pursue your personal hunger for life and walk the paths you need to be happy. But I find those paths not always available even though I’m an open minded and brave soul.

There are melancholic dark blue evenings where I wish I had arranged my life in a different way. Where I grieve not having been born in another world in another time. Or where I wish I’d been given better tools to know what kind of world I needed to create for myself to feel at peace. Evenings like that lead to nothing and during better more productive days I see that the blue can turn shimmery pink. That I have to accept where I am and move on even though I might be stuck in a corner of the world that wasn’t meant for me. Every decision I make construct my future path. So if I decide to open a door today to more inspiring days ahead I might find myself where I need to be, a decade from now.

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Touch-And-Go

Sing praise for statuary:
For those anchored attitudes
And staunch stone eyes that stare
Through lichen-lid and passing bird-foot
At some steadfast mark
Beyond the inconstant green
Gallop and flick of light
In this precarious park

Where vivid children twirl
Like colored tops through time
Nor stop to understand
How all their play is touch-and-go:
But, Go! they cry, and the swing
Arcs up to the tall tree tip;
Go! and the merry-go-round
Hauls them round with it.

And I, like the children, caught
In the mortal active verb,
Let my transient eye break a tear
For each quick, flaring game
Of child, leaf and cloud,
While on this same fugue, unmoved,
Those stonier eyes look,
Safe-socketed in rock.

Sylvia Plath, 1956