To not fail
Create your own purpose
Throughout my entire life people have tried to guide and shape me into something that felt familiar and that they could understand. For their own sake they wanted me to fit in so that they could love and support me, so that they could be close to me. But there was a dilemma that no one dared to notice. I wasn’t easy to mould. In fact it was impossible to fit me into the solid form they had created for me.
For decades, there was only one logic reason for all the stress and pain this all caused; I couldn’t understand how to be a satisfactory human being. I tried so hard my hands were bleeding. I forced my muscles to follow until I could hardly stand up. I mimicked and copied likeable peoples facial expressions until they all blended into one. My lungs wanted to scream but had no air. My heart was compressed and pushed into a dim intersection of all that is forgotten and untold. My brain attacked and sabotaged all logic to stay comfortable in chaotic denial.
With time came pain, and with pain came thoughts. With thoughts came understanding and realisation. I wasn’t failing in being; I was only failing in not being for myself. The purpose I create for myself is far from what I ever imagined. It gives my days a light feeling of euphoria. I open my eyes and see beauty. I observe my fears and worries. I taste time and reflections. I discover and explore. I crash into nightfall and I stand up again in the dawn. But most of all it gratefully gives me hearts to meet.
